Jokes of the Month
A joke is a short story or short series of words spoken or communicated with the intent of being laughed at or found humorous by the listener or reader.
A dab hand in the kitchen
An efficiency expert was giving a lecture to a group of managers, mainly men. He concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
"Did it save time?" the man in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."
The back-seat driver
A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man glares at his wife.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man glares at his wife again.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "Will you please be quiet?"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
The December 2007 joke
A robber confronts a gentleman in the street. "Put your hands up so I can see them. Now get out your wallet and give me your money."
"But I'm a Member of Parliament", says the man with some indignation.
"Well, in that case: Give me my money!"
The November 2007 joke
A travelling salesman finds the young boy at the farm gate and asks him where he can find the farmer.
"No, problem," answers the boy, "you'll find daddy in the pigsty. You can pick him out easily, he's the one with the hat on.
The October 2007 joke
The Lady of the Manor calls her butler John to attention, then asks him," John, would you please kindly remove my shoes."
The lady calmly cariess on, " John, please ,be kind enough to remove my blouse. "
"Now take off my skirt."
And again John obliges.
"John, now pull sown my nickers and place them on the drawer."
And again John obliges.
"Finally, John, never ever do I want to catch you wearing my clothes again.
The Sepember 2007 joke
Wembley Stadium is totally sold out on Cup Final Day, hence John is quite irritated that the seat next to him has not been taken although the match has started half an hour ago. So during half-time he turns to the bloke on the seat next to the free seat and says: "Unbelievable, isn't it. This match has been sold out for months and now there is a seat still available."
"Oh, no," mutters the bloke in reply, "I actually paid for that seat. My wife was supposed to come along, but she's most unfortunately passed away. Would have been the first final, we'd seen together."
"I'm sorry to hear that", John replies, "however, couldn't you give her ticket to a friend or relative?"
"No, not really. They're all at her funeral right now."
The August 2007 joke
Taxidermist on the horizon
On vacation in Brazil, a man bought himself a beautiful parrot. On his way through customs at Heathrow Airport, he carries his parrot on his shoulder. There he is stopped by an official:
"Excuse me, Sir, but you will have to pay duty on this parrot. Let me see..." and with that the customs and excise official reads from his book: "Parrot, stuffed: duty-free, no taxes; live animal: 15.000 pounds."
Upon which the parrot nerviously turns to the man: "Oi, now don't get any ideas!"
The July 2007 joke
A man sees his doctor at his surgery and tells him: "I've got a somewhat troublesome problem, doc. I constantly have to fart. Luckily you can't hear me do it, and the farts don't smell. Acutally, I have farted about twelve times ever since I came into this room."
The doctor prescribes his patient some pills and asks him to return in a week's time.
The following week, the man instantly coplains to his doctor: "Good Lord, what have you given me? Now my farts really stink!"
Replies the doctor: "Now that we've sorted out your nose problems, let's tend to your ears"
The June 2007 joke
Policeman: "Oi, you can't ride on like that. Your bike's licence plate is so dirty, one can't read it!"
Biker: "No problem, officer, I know the number by heart!"
The May 2007 joke
Wife: "Tom, your motorbike's got water in the carburetor!"
Husband: "How do you know? You don't even know what a carburetor is!"
Wife: "But I'm telling you, there's water in the carburetor!"
Husband: "Oh, come off it! I'll go and have a look. Where's the damn bike anyway?
Wife: "In the swimming pool!"
The April 2007 joke
Paddy and Mick are sitting on the roof putting the last two bricks into the chimney they have been erecting the last two days when Paddy looks one more time at the construction drawing. He turns it around and then again and then again.
"Oh blimey, Mick, we can start all over again. That blooming thing's supposed to be a well!"
The March 2007 joke
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they're just fine - they're just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally
taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."
The February 2007 joke
A Question of Perspective
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
The January 2007 joke
Bush, Cheney and the Buck
Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck, and
were dragging it by the legs back to their car, when they were approached
by a seasoned old hunter.
"Hello, Mr. President, and Vice President. If I
may please make a suggestion... it would be much easier for you to drag
your deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the
The leaders of the free world thanked the man and tried
his suggesion. A while later Cheney said, "You know, that was good
thinking. This is a lot easier!"
"Yessir," agreed Bush. "But durn it! We're gettin' farther
away from our truck!"
The December 2006 joke
Roses are red
Roses are red
Violets are blue
And so am I
The November 2006 joke
New hearing aid
Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now? Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.
Mary: Wow! What kind is it?
Dave: A quarter past two..
The October 2006 joke
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
The September 2006 Joke
“Tell me,” the teacher asked her students, “do you know what the word ‘can't’ is short for?” “Yes,” said little Lucy. “It’s short for ‘cannot.’”
“Very good. And what about ‘don't’?”
Little Matt’s hand shot up. “That,” he said with authority, “is short for ‘doughnut.’”
Teacher: “What is the chemical formula for water?”
Teacher: “What are you talking about?”
Sarah: “Yesterday you said it's H to O!”
The August 2006 Joke
Mind the answer
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had let to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
The July 2006 Joke
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £ 50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that it wasn't too bad.
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then begun to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband Bennie came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Benni!"